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Lesbian Review of Books | #9
Jane Eyre, by Charlotte Bronte
Oh, Jane. Jane, Jane, Jane. I almost can’t believe she’s not a lesbian. I mean, look at her. She’s an introverted, poor, orphaned governess. Just give her an androgynous haircut, some cats, and a Tumblr, and she’d be cruising OkCupid like a pro. Seriously though, Jane’s a stereotypical spinster — which usually means a huge lesbo.
Instead, Jane decides crazy Mr. Rochester is the one for her. And yes, she had to do a little soul-searching after the whole keeping-his-ex-wife-in-the-attic thing, but she still ends up with him. I can pretty much say that this is a universal sign for insanity. This is like that crazy lesbian relationship all your friends say is a bad idea, and while you’re at brunch with them, drinking mimosas, you think, “Yes! It’s a terrible idea! She’s nuts!” but then you go home, and she’s lounging on the bed in a pair of men’s boxers, and, well, fuck it. You’re only human, and she has hipbones.
I would say this even if it were Miss Rochester, the hot and broody single lady (who takes in her ex-girlfriend’s daughter). Miss Rochester is infinitely better because, hey, obviously, but let’s get real — locking exes in the attic so they end up setting the house on fire is still a sign of batshit cray for all genders and sexual orientations.
Verdict: if this had lesbians, it would play like an episode of the L Word. I can’t decide which crazy broad is Jenny Schecter, so she can play them all.
Lesbian Review of Books | Review #8
Little Women, by Louisa May Alcott
I count three lesbians in Little Women. Aunt March is a classic eccentric gay aunt. Beth, gentle and pious and uninterested in any romance, is the Gay Nun of the March sisters (I hear your she’s just very shy argument and I counter with gay Emily Dickinson. being shy and being into ladies are obviously not mutually exclusive. like, have you been to ladies’ night at a gay bar ever, you can’t buy a drink without interrupting someone’s longing glance that will never be acted upon). Also tragic lesbian death: Beth has one. And lastly, Jo. Duh.
Jo checks off every square on the dyke bingo card: clumsy, fiercely tomboyish, prone to questionable hairstyle choices, etc. She is almost too gay, because I, like most bookish girls of all ages (except, evidently, my co-reviewer), was all for Jo falling in love with Laurie. But lamenting hetero ships and making people less gay by argument (from a 6 to a 5.5, is all I’m saying, just enough for Teddy Laurence—Jo’d still be gayer than Katherine Hepburn) are not under the purview of LRB. If only Laurie had been a lesbian.
Related, Mr. Bhaer is a ridiculous character and should’ve been Ms. Bhaer, a soft-spoken professor with a steely intellect, who would awe and inspire Jo to great genius in her writing. It makes so much sense I shouldn’t have to explain it, but just in case, here’s my reasoning: Jo’s a goddamn lesbian.
As for the rest of the sisters, how much would baby dyke Amy have annoyed Jo? Answer: a hilarious amount. And I am not making a case for Meg. She named her son Demijohn, literally “halfJohn,” literally reminder that this baby owes half its conception to John’s sperm, which he put inside her with his penis. I can do nothing against such a strong devotion to heterosexuality. Verdict: not enough lesbians.
SCREEN JUNKIES DID AN HONEST TRAILER FOR THE WINTER SOLDIER BUT IT WAS SO GOOD THEY COULDN’T EVEN TAKE THE PISS OUT OF IT SO THEY JUST TALKED ABOUT WHAT A GOOD FILM IT WAS